Words by Chris Chaput

Alright my faithful handful. Have I written that before? Probably but even Hemingway repeated himself. That’s a true fact I just made up. And that’s a line I plagiarized from Daniel Tosh. Wow, off to a good start. But, here we go anyway. This issue I wanted to give you a little behind the scenes look at the emails that are sent to Jeromy Gamble, the owner of Spearing Magazine and my world class editor (and sister) Nicole Chaput, when I finish an installment of “With A Grain of Salt Water”.

I’m guessing you’ll start to pick up on a few themes here, but just in case you aren’t I’ll spell it out: beer and punctuation. Do I like punctuation? Yeah, I like punctuation. Did I punctuate in high school? Yup, I punctuated in high school. Did I punctuate when I was supposed to be in college? I absolutely punctuated when I was supposed to be in college. Do I still love punctuation? Of course I still love punctuation.

Jesus, I hope at least some of you watched the Kavanaugh hearings….

Back to the other theme. As you’ll recognize, I also like beer. It’ll surprise you to know that I don’t drink much, but I like it. A lot. I’d drink more if I didn’t get the runs from it but I do. Ever heard of shi***** through the eye of a needle? Alright, enough of that.

I’ll also admit that I need it to get the creative (yes I know it’s all relative) juices flowing. Sometimes really flowing. And, when they’re still flowing and I’m at IPA number five, but the article is done, you get the following:

Additional disclaimer: please note that my emails have NOT been edited by my rad sister (and the responses from both Jeromy and Nicole were always really funny).

 

Doug and the Giant Pargo:

Jeromy,

As promised! 

I don’t have a photo yet I’ll try and dig something up. 

Nicole,

Surprise! Can you edit this piece (of sh**) and make me look good AGAIN! Thanks sis! 

LUV,

Chris

 

Stone Shot or Holding Shot:

Hey guys,

It needs a little work, but it’s still a true story. Not embellished.

Love you both.

Yes, I’ve had a few beers.

 

Once Upon A Time in Panama Pt. I:

Hey Nic,

I’m sure this, like all the rest, needs your TLC.

Jeromy,

Please let Nicole know how much time she has on this. If I’m correct, I’m actually for the first time not dumping this on her lap last minute?!  Sorry, but no photo for this one. I’ll call you tomorrow. Good news on the ad stuff.

 

Once Upon A Time in Panama Pt. II:

Hey guys,

Here’s my latest glob of masterful sh**.

Nic, not sure but I think I’m past the deadline with Jeromy,

Jeromy, if it’s too late, can my editor (sister) at least edit this email? I don’t like having my writings out there if they look stooped. Also, I think I have a picture of the sportubes attached to to the horse on the beach. I just have to dig it up.

Nic, edit, please, that, too, if, please, you, can, please,

I like beer. Again.

 

In Your Dreams:

Hey guys,

Okay, I’ll admit. Done on only two IPAs, so probably not my best (just kidding. Of course it’s brilliant) and needs more editing than usual (like it really ever needs help).

Nic, good news is: deadline is only ten days ago. Just kidding. This weekend.

Jeromy, I sent a photo by text to go along with my usual pile of excrement. At 1:15 AM your time.

Not my fault that I’m self-centered, constantly late, and needy. I’m a writer. An artist.

Edit that…

 

Time to Say Goodbye:

Guys,

Holy F***. Marathon. Had to get drunk twice for this one.

Jeromy, sorry I missed the July 1st deadline by 5 minutes + a couple more.

Nic- need a miracle. Lots of past & present tense nonsense going on. Run-on sentences and these thingies: ,,,,,,,,,,:,,,;@*&,,,. Not my fault that we have to use @*& in place of “uc” and “hi” instead of just f*** and s***.

On a serious note, this s*** was hard to write. Seventeen-plus years of my life. Can’t help feel like I left something out or forgot someone important.

I didn’t get teary-eyed, though. Okay, I got a little bit teary-eyed

Chris

 

Letter to the Editor:

Team,

Holy crap. Literally. I’ve stooped to new lows with this one.

Nic, the sentence structure may be beyond repair, but try and work your magic. Deadline is the 1st of October. Yesterday to you tomorrow when you read this. Sorry I’m an Idoit.

Jeromy… next issue I’ll actually talk about spearfishing I promise.

Bam.

So there you go. I spared you from all of them for the sake of avoiding redundancy, but you get the picture. The truth is, I love writing but I suck at it sober. One could probably make the point that I suck at it altogether but one better keep one’s mouth shut, or my sister will find you….

And please don’t remind Jeromy that he could find better writers with better content. Then what’ll be my excuse to drink bitter pine needles until my face is numb while I bore people to death?

Next Issue: F#cking Slip-Tips!